It is the 10th Anniversary of my cane purchase … the cane I no longer have any use for.
This anniversary marks a lot of grief, especially at the losses of parenting through those years. There were many times I wanted to drive my kids someplace but could not. I wanted to attend functions with them, but I was in too much pain. I wanted to play and have fun with them, but I was so fatigued there was no left-over energy to do so. I was unable to cook for them the way I wanted to or manage the house in the way I wanted to. I was on medications for constant pain, to help me sleep at night, and to keep me alert during the day. However, nothing had stopped my slow decline.
My kids are grown up and I have been blessed with beautiful grandkids. While I started my healing journey during this time period, these past ten years are still filled with losses. I wanted to cradle the babies to sleep, but was unable to hold them that long. I wanted to chatter with them, but I was so tired I could not figure out what they were saying… I wanted to play games with them, but pain or exhaustion prevented that. There were so many times I wanted to help my daughter out and take the kids for a day, but was unable. I was also unable to fly out when my son and daughter-in-law went through the traumatic birth of their first child.
As I look back on those years, I grieve deeply at how, as a family, we lost a lot!!
And yet through all these musings and this grief, and am SO THANKFUL….
I have come SUCH a long, long way. I can shower on my own, that is pretty cool! I can drive (albeit cautiously), I can go to a few places now without a huge set back. This summer, I even had the 4 local grandkids down to my camp and looked after them at the lake ALONE!! And they all lived to tell about it!!! My pain is negligible and my fatigue is now manageable. I can enjoy time with my grandkids and keep up with them (sorta!!).
Today, I am, living high on life… that is… 3rd floor of a Condo high. This condo has no elevator, I run my dog up and down those stairs a couple of times so he can fertilize the lawn here.
I am looking forward to the next 10 years… 10 years to play with my grandkids, 10 years to communicate with my own kids, 10 more years to make Rob roll his eyes at me.
And I smile…
Cause I know the next 10 years are going to be SOO good.
I was fortunate. A year and a half into my illness a wise functional medicine doctor mentioned mold. I denied it but it always stayed in the back of my mind.
I’m still very ill but crawling my way back to health. One day at a time. I grieve also for what I lost.
Picture of health and feeling on top of the world one day and suicidal the next. Life is so unfair.
I just have to trust God for the next step. Thanks for leading the way.